Nurturer in Chief

 Nurturer in Chief

How do we go from being completely hands on with our children, to them wanting us now to be more hands off, while still trying to maintain a close relationship with them? And despite what they imply, or even flat out say to us in respect to minding our own business — “I can handle it all now, thank you” — do they always really mean it? Didn’t it take us all a while to finally understand the older child/parent dynamic, where at some point we had to admit to ourselves that our parents had it all dialed in a lot more than we were willing to give them credit for? Aren’t we just as guilty of the rolling eyes, c’mon dad or oh mother, please? We still need to tap into our younger selves as we grow older, hating to lose so much of ourselves to a time of life that is too much about additional medications, how do we have enough money to comfortably retire on, is that new ache nothing, or maybe really something? We remember, don’t we, what it’s like to finally be on our own and wanting to challenge ourselves, and even others, as to what our new roles as independent adults truly entails. You simply don’t understand MY generation, is what we would say to our parents who, unbeknownst to us, were actually smart enough to not only have a decent understanding of it, but had endured many generations of living, in addition to their own.

Perhaps the key we need to open the gate that leads us to understanding our adult children better is to remind ourselves of who we were at their ages, and stages. Truly walk in those flip flops, Earth shoes or Reeboks again and realize that they can be, at times, mirrors of who we were, or perhaps even who we wanted to be. We yearned to be marveled at back then, didn’t we? Our choices, our courage, our ability to move out and on with our lives without our parents’ constant input or feedback. They want that opportunity now themselves to be the ones who dazzle us with their independence, their choices, their own courage. And we know now, all too well, that it takes incredible courage to get up each day and face this challenging world. But it seems, in the midst of being their cheerleaders - because that’s what we’ve always been, always will be - that we need to occasionally be marveled at just as much in our own lives now. We need, at least once in a while, to be validated for our hard work and all that that has entailed, in loving them and doing for them more than we ever thought was possible. For seeing them through every joyful and heartbreaking moment of their lives that they will never believe, until they are parents themselves, impacted us a thousand times more than it did them. That the thoughts and concerns we share with them and for them now are not unenlightened, irrational or without merit. That we actually pay attention, from our own past to the present, to how this world spins us in all kinds of crazy directions. And if we lose our balance, as every one of us does, how to right ourselves, stick the landing, make improvements on the next elements, and then, with love and prudence, pass that knowledge along.

In other words, how do we help our children to continue to grow..when they are already grown? Step, ever so gently, on their shoes without ruining their shine? How do we freely let them go, and even celebrate their independence, while allowing them to also realize that we are the stable lifeline they can always reach out to, without them feeling that there is any disgrace in that, or any loss of their ability to conduct their own lives?

Realizing that it is so hard for everyone involved in this older parent older child dynamic is a start. We believe that we ourselves are firmly clued into this truth. The question is, how do we maintain our own balance as their loving parents while waiting for them to realize that they’re not the only ones feeling misunderstood, put upon, disregarded, or at times treated like a child? No one is a child in this scenario anymore. And therein lies the rub….

To get to the heart of where we are now — our desired goal being, how do we have the best relationship possible with our wonderful adult kids — is to go back. Way back.

And in the beginning there was our own parents…as parents. Let’s share our thoughts on how we feel we were parented, and how that perhaps influences us in how we go about parenting our own children.